Everlasting Confuzzlement

New Place!!

2010-02-01T16:42:00.000-06:00

Wahoooo!! Earlier this month, my partner and I and our child moved into our new house. It's exactly where I've always wanted to live in this city, and the house is my dream home! I feel so incredibly lucky right now, I could just burst with happiness! Yay!!!

Beets in a blender.

2009-09-29T14:03:00.001-05:00

I love the alliteration, but not particularly the taste. It wasn't so bad last night, but this morning it seems to have just turned into purple-ish and bland sludge. It consists of beets (obviously), blueberries, parsley, carrots, apples and kale. It tasted pretty decent last night while fresh. There was a somewhat gritty texture to it, but I didn't really mind that so much. I wish there were some way to make it yummier, but my lover and I are on a cleanse and are not allowed things like ginger and honey and such. I think more blueberries could help... Mmmm, wild local blueberries. Dinner was surprisingly tasty; we had plain rice with broccoli on top, and a side of edamame. It sounds a little boring, but was actually quite good! I think tonight is chicken and squash. Can't wait!

epiphyllum

2009-09-23T11:07:00.003-05:00

my lover's body is a journey for my senses:
her breath smells of sweetgrass,
her mouth tastes of tea and honey,
her sweat has the scent of curry,
her cunt is wild and earthy like venison.

I love to smell and taste her body;
to hear her moan with pleasure.
i savour every lick, bite, and kiss.
i run my fingers through her thick, glossy hair.

my lover's words are a delight to my mind:
her musings giving me tours into the imagination,
her political rants exciting me,
her conversation excavating endless possibility,
her writing exploding my very world.

i can't fathom how it is possible
for me to love so deeply and wonderfully;
like she is a part of my very spirit.
every day my admiration for this beautiful womyn grows
like an epiphyllum reaching its petals to the moon.

come with me, my love...
let us bask in each others warmth
until the end of our days.

Spiritual Empowerment of Wymyn

2009-09-17T12:03:00.003-05:00

This post moved me deeply. I can feel it in my spirit, and would like to share it with you.

--

Today we are facing a new Era. The ancient Mayan culture speaks of this change, the ending of their old calendar in 2012, and the beginning of a new age. They, along with many other indigenous cultures, also speak that this coming time will be one of a more feminine nature, based in the heart.

But women in our modern world have a problem. Thus far, they have begun to become financially empowered and professionally empowered. Yet the most important need, for spiritual empowerment, has often been neglected or ignored.

Our world is already in the time of transition and it will be a difficult time until the new era blossoms into an age of peace and understanding. If our world is to survive, spiritually empowered women must take their place in helping. It’s time for them to step up and step out. The time of hiding is over.

Most “aware” people know that it is necessary to heal our Grandmother Earth if we are to survive. However, it is equally as imperative to also heal each other through love, compassion, respect and, most of all, prayer. Prayers of the heart are one of the most powerful influences in the universe. Moreover, women also need to help men develop their own feminine aspects of gentleness and sensitivity, compassion, nurturing, and kindness. They need to help men learn to work from the heart.

If we don’t do all of this, we can’t help our planet and humanity risks extinction.

Women are powerful, truly powerful, with unique gifts that are far-reaching. That is why they have been considered a threat by so many male-dominated modern cultures and religious hierarchy. Women are especially tuned to walk in both the spiritual world and the mundane world. They are particularly adept at creating energy and change. Their great capacity for bonding has made them especially empathic and gifted at seeing and understanding past surface levels. Ultimately, their roles as caretakers and nurturers have opened their hearts and awareness to many levels of the universe. Their spiritual gifts can be profound.

Unfortunately, women have begun to lose that understanding of their gifts as they have grappled to survive in the callous societies of today. Many live tentative, cold, and fragmented lives as victims of violence, victims of unspeakable offenses against honor. Too often, their hearts and spirit have become uncertain and lost, awash in grief and fear. They have forgotten who they are. They have forgotten their original instructions as human beings and as women.

Yet, most indigenous cultures recognized the unique and powerful qualities of women. In many cultures they were revered and respected. In some, the entire societal structure was Matriarchal. In others, the special spiritual gifts of women were recognized and they were considered to be the nurturing connection to the Divine. Throughout the indigenous world, women often held the honored roles of leaders, advisors, or wisdom-keepers. Many times, they were also found as the community healer and seer, although in some cultures that was reserved for women in their post-menopausal years.

It was also fully recognized that a woman’s moon-time, her period of menstruation, was her most powerful, albeit her most uncontrolled, time. More importantly, however, her moon-time was considered her own personal sacred ceremony, a time where she is quite literally shedding her blood for humanity, purging and purifying herself to make room for the creative energies and life to arrive.

Due to the sacredness of this, some indigenous cultures sequestered their women away from the village during their moon-time. This wasn’t a banning or shunning as is popularly assumed today. This was a period of protection and rest from the duties of their very hard lives, a few days off each month. It was where they were waited upon by other women and served food they didn’t have to cook themselves. It was also a time for reflection or sharing and bonding with other women. In short, it was a time of respect and honor and rest.

During this time, they also did not participate or go near any ceremony being conducted outside their seclusion. There was good reason for this. The main reason, very logical, is that it is never a good idea to cross ceremonies (start a ceremony while another one is in process). At best, it just all blows up and becomes so diluted into confusion that nothing happens for anyone. At worst, you can get some very crossed energies going with highly negative and chaotic results. Therefore, since the women were already in their own ceremony, it was highly unadvisable for them to go near anyone else’s ceremony.

A secondary reason was simply the powerful but raw, uncontrolled energies that sometimes occur when a woman is on her moon-time. Few women know how to control it and that kind of energy is quite literally capable of blasting anyone and anything, intentionally or unintentionally. If you don’t know what I mean then simply think of the last time you crossed a woman who was on her moon-time. It’s not a pretty sight.

The ancient cultures all knew and understood these things. Unfortunately, the truth has often been lost along the way to modern times or misconstrued and twisted into untruth. Women have nearly forgotten their place in the Universe.

So it’s time that women start looking at their power, their bodies, and their cycles with respect instead of as a “curse.” It’s vitally important that women choose to heal themselves and regain the understanding of their own unique gifts; to re-claim their own power and themselves. Then it will be up to each woman, her beliefs, and her Divine as how to best walk with it all.

It is said we are the sacred 7th generation. For our children and grandchildren, for the next 7 generations, for ourselves, it’s time for women to harness their power and get to work helping to save our world. Women can do it; they are particularly suited for this need. But it’s a choice.

To quote an ancient indigenous song, “Women of the earth, take courage. You carry the teaching of a people who look to you for guidance. Be mindful of your walk.”

We are the ones we have been waiting for. It’s time to step up. And yes, I’m speaking to you.

Found here.

Grade Two!

2009-09-09T09:47:00.002-05:00

My boi turned seven last week, and now is going to his first Grade 2 class today! It almost makes me feel old. My partner and I got up extra early this morning to make sure things were all running smoothly, and we all had breakfast together which was nice. I hope to make this a habit. It was a great morning despite the fact that I was running around like a chicken with it's head cut off since I wasn't very well prepared. I'm not that great at planning ahead. Sonja and Christian were both very patient with me though which was fantastic!

When I brought him to school this morning, he got off to a cute start asking other kids in the playground that looked to be around his age if they were in his class. None actually were though. Big school I guess. One adorable little girl though was in a classroom near his (a Grade 1,2 split) and said she knows where his classroom was and would maybe come find him to play later. How cute is that?! All in all, the playground was fun-looking, and the school staff were friendly and helpful, and the kids were adorable. Nice experience for a first day... I hope the rest of the day goes just as well for my little doood.

For my firstborn.

2009-08-26T16:56:00.003-05:00

Gender-Benders

2009-08-14T11:55:00.001-05:00

Gender-Benders

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Tryin' hard!

2009-07-24T15:40:00.002-05:00

I'm sitting here procrastinating on packing my stuff to move to my new place. Not that I don't want to move there, I actually really do!! It's just that I fucking hate packing, and I do it way too often. I seriously need a more permanent situation. Or maybe I'm meant to float around? *sigh* I generally even float around a lot people-wise. I have a few constant friends, but they are few and far between. I do love them dearly though. I sure would like to keep my lover though... She is constantly amazing me, and I fall more and more in love with her every day!
Today I asked my son what he thinks about or imagines as he's lying in his bed before his eyes close for the night. He told me that his brain talks to him, and he talks back, but he doesn't remember the conversations. He is such an interesting kid... I'd love to get inside his mind sometimes and look around.
It seems like my financial world is in a total twist right now! I'm applying for so many things and depending on so many other people and things to work out, and it seems like such a mess! My financial planning seems to be going downhill because of all the different things I have to somewhat rely on right now. Another thing I tell ya, I'm never putting anyone else on my bills under my name again!! lol It never seems to work out; even when people begin with the best of intentions. It's incredibly frustrating when people stop talking to you because they owe you money. But bitterness is not for me. In the future, if someone wants money from me, it's going to be a gift ONLY. There; settled. ;)
Now then... I have things to give away, and stuff to pack. I'm off!

Can we move to Hawaii now please?

2009-07-16T16:38:00.003-05:00

The weather is so shitty here lately... I'm sitting here in front of my computer in the middle of July with my heating system on, I'm even wearing a sweater, and I'm still freezing my ass off. Argh. On the bright side, some day I'll move to Hawaii to study midwifery where the weather is much, much warmer. Ahhhh. I can't flippin' wait! I'll have to save up at least $1000 + plane fare first though. Good luck with that, right? *sigh*
Anyhoo, speaking of moving, I'll be moving into a housing co-op soon! It's especially fantastic, because my gf will live only one floor above me instead of in a whole other part of town now. Yay! The building I'm in right now is rather old without even the advantage of being a character building, really sucks for energy consumption, and is waaaay more than I can afford on my own, (and let's face it; I can't go on having roommates forever). This place is at least somewhat environmentally friendly, not bad looking, and cheap. Woohoo!
Oh, and update on the breakfast situation: it has begun. :D

Breakfast

2009-07-14T18:07:00.003-05:00

I have been recently made aware that my darling used to eat breakfast on a rather consistent basis, and I never have. Apparently it makes ya feel good and shit. I'd like to try it. So tonight when my lover comes over (I love our consistent sleep-overs! lol), I'm going to propose that we both start going to bed early, and wake up at 6am to do yoga and breakfast together. Yes, really! I think it'll be good for our bodies, minds, and souls. Oh yeah. I think we should begin when we've each moved into our respective apartments in the new building as I don't have the floor space for two people doing yoga in my current living situation. Maybe we can start doing the breakfast thing while we're still here though... I'm excited!

Now that nearly two years have passed...

2009-07-06T14:25:00.005-05:00

Holy mother of mercy... has it really been this long AGAIN that I've posted a blog? Well, obviously no one reads this anymore or I'd be hearing about it. Ha. Hooked up with J (the five star butch as we lovingly referred to her... lol), and then unhooked again after about seven months long distance and five living together on and off; moved, moved, and moved again within the same freakin city; and saw my boy through his first grade of school and two adorably missing front teeth. I'm still doing the doula thing as well (though not with D... long story... argh), and not as frequently.

Now have a fucking fantabulous womyn in my life who is ridiculously smart, has a vocabulary to be in fear and awe of, and oh, she's foxy to boot. ;) She's also patiently teaching me the wonders of polyamory and helping me get over my apparent bi-phobia which I never even knew I had. Crazy, crazy, crazy. *giggle*

Moving... again.

2007-11-30T21:14:00.002-06:00

So. I'm moving to 'peg city in January. Yay!!! I get to live with one of my very bestest friends and her flovely family!! And I've become an unpop since the last time I've posted. Don't ask me what an unpopular is though.. it's top secret. heehee

Also, I'm gonna start doula-ing again. With D possibly. She's frcool.

That is all.

massage school drop-out

2007-08-07T23:00:00.001-05:00

I've dropped out of Massage Therapy school. It was too hard physically on my hands and back. I think I have fibromyalgia, but I'm wary of going to the doc because I'm not sure if I really want to be diagnosed with it. *sigh* What to do, what to do.

I am however pursuing my passion of midwifery once again. Back on track, baby, yeah!! I'm going to be studying through AAMI. However, I'll have to do my apprenticeship in the states, and have the possibility that I may have to practise in the states for a few years before I'm allowed to do so in Canada.

I don't think I'm going to post much about girls on here anymore... lol.. it gets a little crazy if ykwim.

Times change...

2007-04-10T21:24:00.003-05:00

Update time!! I'm in school to be a massage therapist. It really goes well with my natural healing philosophies and will fit oh so nicely with my eventual doula/midwifery thing I have going on. (Speaking of which, I've finally found myself a client!! Slim pickins around these parts! OMG.). So I figure I'll be a massage therapist at least for the next ten years. Maybe I'll even open my own prenatal massage/doula practice-type-thingy. Yup. After that I think I'll go back to school to be a midwife. When I'm more mature and in a better situation. I'd like to have a few years packed in my belt first, you know?

My cutiepie is in JK and thriving. Amazing with numbers, and not so bad with the reading. Such a sweetheart. :) He has his mommy's temper... very slow to start, but a bit nuts when finally and fully activated. LOL. Also, he seems to get along much better with adults than other children. Weeellll.. ok. I expected that. ;-) Oh... and I'm starting him in soccer, but don't you dare call me a soccer mom. I'll kick your ass. lol. I figure I'll put him in gymnastics for the winter. Yup.

So the PDot is growing on me. Still miss 'peg city though. *sigh* Oh... and no more redhead. Surprised? No? Ah well.

Next update in... oh I don't know... a year? LOL

Wow... haven't posted for a while

2006-05-20T20:51:00.001-05:00

Since I last posted, I crashed my bike; got a bloody knee and some nerve damage (I now have a hatred for wet gravel-y driveways at the bottom of hills... grrr) It's healing though.

Ummm... I'm seeing a cute redhed. Love the freckles and the curls. Mmmm. AWESOME person. Kinda freaky though. Heh. She has a penchant for country music, owns several pairs of cowboy boots and cowboy hats, and even one of those weird frilly suede jacket thingies. Makes me wonder.

Drag It Out Further!!

2006-04-09T23:27:00.001-05:00

Woah! Now that was one SWEEET-ASS drag show! I am tellin ya! Definitely the best I've ever been to; so many kings. *slobber* However, the star of the show was the most amazing queen I've ever seen! That Baliwood was just AWESOME! He just had all the little hand movements down perfectly, very fluid, very seductive. "Chicks with Balls" was also VERY funny! Great performance there. Oh, and Jaykob Fyre, hun, you are one hawt mofo! And then of course Jessi and her band with their Big Balls (the size of Alberta!)!! *snort* Also the jazz bit at the end was amazing... and those "airplane pilots" with their tap dance, and another girl who did a country jig... (WOW those were fast feet!!) It was just great! Soooo much fun... though I forgot my camera... I sure hope someone took pics!!!

Yay for Jill's Birthday!! Best night in Peterborough yet!

2006-03-26T09:39:00.001-06:00

Wow, that was awesome! So fun and I've met so many new people. Last night I went to Jill's party and there were jell-o shooters and titty cake and gambling... all the makings of a great b-day. I got to try both vanilla and watermelon vodka... mmmm....

I gave Jill a sock-monkey I custom made for her; he's been christened "Spazz". He's a punk monkey with a lil red hawk. Also, Jill was given a tie that said she had to get 21 kisses (cuz that's how old she turned) on her birthday, and there were little boxes on it that people signed when they kissed her... and SHE DID IT!!! Go, Jill, go!! Hehe.

Then all went to the Rainbow Dance, aka "Homo Hop," and the DJ played all these cheesy-ass songs from the '80's/90's so, of course, that was a good time... ;) But I think the best part was when Mel, Jill and I threesome slowdanced to the last song (which totally rememnded me of Jr. high... lol).

Good times, good times. Thank you Jill's birthday!!

Now been in Ptbo for a month....

2006-03-03T14:11:00.000-06:00

That took a while. Very long month... hah! I've had a gym membership for the past week or so... that's been good... I already feel better! Can't wait for the physical results. I know, I know, that'll take a while, but still!

I now have a new Ptbo "friend" whom I've met through a friend in Winnipeg... funny but true. Yuppers. C's an awesome possum. Good stuff.

I've taken my CAAT and am awaiting the results... they'll be back in two weeks. I'm REALLY looking forward to going back to school (yes, I know... me excited about school.. shut up! *laff*) When I finish my upgrade I think I'll take the entry to health sciences course so I can go on to take midwifery somewhere.

Right now finding doula clients (even for FREE!!) is not working out. Ugh. It's hard to get into the birth culture in some places... *sigh* at least in the 'Peg I knew people! People who were midwives and doulas! Ahhhh... for that day to return... *g*

Well... that's all the updated for now... stay tuned... there may be more to come! ...sometime or another anyways...

Arrived in Peterborough

2006-02-17T21:15:00.001-06:00

On the plus side it's MUCH warmer here than in the 'peg; usually only just below zero if not just above. The house is... nice... fairly new, but with HORRID colours. They are mainly very evil and clashing pastels. Eeaargh. Very suburb cookie-cutter style too. Ugh. In fact, the only way we can tell our house from the one next door are the numbers, and they have a *slightly* different screen door.

I've not yet met many people here, but maybe I will if I get the job at Grassroots (yay workers' co-ops!). I am also going to an info session at a nearby college. That should be interesting.

I have yet to fully break into the GLBT scene here, but at least I'm in touch with a lady who organizes some lesbian events... at least it's a start, right?

I am SOOOOOO homesick! I miss everyone in the 'peg. :( Especially Tamara and Brad and Josy. Ok... time to stop bitching now.... hehe

Catch you on the flip side!!! ;)

Leaving Winnipeg

2006-01-29T22:34:00.000-06:00

This may be the last time that I post a blog from the Ducak family computer. :( I'm moving to Ontario tomorrow morning. Drivin' for 23 hours... yeah baby. hehe. Wow... I just don't know what to feel... I'm so emotionally exhausted... I'm happy, sad, angry and excited all at the same time... it's so weird.

I'll be moving in with my parents (gosh darnit) so I won't have a "safe haven" anymore. Plus I'll miss my "roomate family" like frickin' craaazeeeee! Especially little Jackelope. ;) And my plants too.... oh... my sweet little burrow's tail plant that I grew from little baby clippings that came from Andy's plant.

I have such a major tension/stress headache I think I may pass out soon... lol. I've spent the last two days packing leftover crap that didn't get packed when everything else did, hauling stuff out to a moving truck, and cleaning, cleaning, cleaning. Well... I'm gonna go pop some advil now... nighty night!!

Settlers of Cattan on Thanksgiving...

2005-10-10T01:28:00.000-05:00

Playing Settlers is fun! BUT... never play to 13 points if you can help it... sure makes for a long, drawn out game. Of course, that doesn't mean it's not fun anymore... just means that you're up a wee bit past your bed time.

You know, something I've come to realize is that as much as I love my fam damily, I'd rather be at Brad & Josy's playing a game of Settlers than eating Thanksgiving dinner with all of those wonderfully closely related people. ;-) there's just this feeling of comfort... like I don't have to put on a performance for anyone... I love my home at the Ducaks'. I feel loved and supported all the time. I'm not really sure what I'd do without these awesome friends of mine.

This Thanksgiving... I'm going to be thankful for Settlers, AWESOME friends, and having lots of family to fall back on. :-)

Have a happy and safe long weekend everyone (if anyone actually reads this... haha).

~Me.

Almost a doula...

2005-10-05T01:21:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm on my way to finally making it now!! I've taken my doula course, and I have three births to attend and my certification to complete, and then I'm officially a doula!! YAY!!! I just know I'm going to LOVE doing this... I bet it will be the first time in my life that I'll actually enjoy my job... that'll definitely be a good thing! And on top of that, I get to be a doula for one of my best friends!! I'm just so pleased about all this... Also the women who taught this course were absolutely amazing! So strong and true to their beliefs... so empowering to women! I just feel so uplifted. :)

~Birth is the sudden opening of a window, through which you look out upon a stupendous prospect. For what has happened? A miracle. You have exchanged nothing for the possibility of everything.
Willie Dixon

Frustration

2005-07-07T11:59:00.000-05:00

My son is growing up too fast.... I am seeing our lives slipping passed us in the most aggravating fashion. I want to take him on our "Adventure Walks" of the summer past. We would cycle merrily along this way and that, roaming the hot stuffiness of the city's summer in search of fun. Stopping at parks and wading pools along our way; meeting new friends and enjoying new experiences. He will not want to do this forever since he is growing up so quickly. I want to make the most of our lives while I still have the chance, but it gets harder every day.

Well... that lasted long.... NOT

2005-05-22T01:49:00.000-05:00

Ok... well... that wonderful woman that I was seeing is no longer.... how do I put this... "with me." We had a LONG discussion last night about the possibility of my moving to Ontario to pursue my education. We had plans to move in together (now I see they were prematurely evolved... not that I didn't have my suspicions), but if I leave, those would dissolve, now woudn't they?!

It's not as though I did this intentionally... I have such poor long-term planning skills... ::sigh:: Anyways, she is NOT happy with this to put it lightly... In fact after succumbing to the indulgence of a somewhat-longed-for spliff, I discovered that there was a passage-way to the innerworkings of my female companion. (AKA: it's some kind of babbling truth serum to her or something... *insert raised eyebrow here*) She revealed to me that she blamed me for this circumstance that we have unwittingly put ourselves into, and basically just made me feel like shit about the whole thing.

Is life not at least partly about seeking out dreams, and succeeding our goals? My plans to go into midwifery have been a passion of mine. I know that she knows this, and has known it practically since she met me. Did she not think that I would eventually want to pursue this? If not right away? I am so freakin confused I don't know what to do with myself.

Well??? What should I do??? I want to stay in Winnipeg only because of my friends and family here... I don't really like the city... but I know that the friends I have here are TRUE. However, here, there is little hope of pursuing my passion for midwifery since there is no adequate learning program. So my choice is in between staying here, and postponing my future, and moving in with a not-quite-yet X-girlfriend or moving to Ontario with my parents, getting free rent, free babysitting, and the freedom to become educated. However... yesss... I would be living with my parents. Which isn't in itself SO bad, but it certainly is NOT fun. Plus, I really would NOT be able to bring home any girlfriends as they are such religious Christian heterosexists. UGH. Not that I'm really thinking too much of that anyways right now, but One should always open their mind to such possibilities. I REALLY don't want to leave all my friends behind... WAAAAH... Quite the dilemma! What the Hell!!

Well... I s'pose I'm done ranting for now... off to bed with me.

Today is my birthday

2005-05-04T03:00:00.000-05:00

Yes... as seen above. I turn 22 today... nifty noodles... :-P I'm going to be spending most of my day with my fambly, though I'd rather be spending it with the wonderful new female in my life.. ::sigh:: but life' full of compromises, isn't it.

Anyways, about this woman I have now attatched myself to: I find her lovely... her only flaw is that she likes Cher and Celine Dion... *G* But seriously we have a scary amount of things in common.... from what age and stage of our lives that our first sons were born in, all the way to our favorite flower. Lordy! It's almost like we were twins seperated at birth! LOL But in all truth and seriousness, she is indeed amazing.

I'd also like to share our first date: We went to a "Dyke Social". It was so COOL! All the women there were LESBIANS and HAPPY and FRIENDLY. It seriously was the most "at home" I've felt in a very, very long time. I didn't see a soul there who seemed to be unhappy or left out. We were all in our own environment without judging eyes casting glares.... you could even do the "Carlton Dance" if you wanted to without anyone looking at you twice!! LOL And I totally have my girl to thank for leading me to this place. I came even though I was sick with a cold, and probably not entirely fun and jovial... hehehe. AND we really actually truly did enjoy ourselves! WOW... I can't believe that I was that comfortable and at home and happy on a FIRST DATE... I love it, I love it, I love it!!! And even despite of my body feeling entirely like crap the whole night, I had such a great time that I would live it over and over again if I could!

Now then... I must get myself to bed... 'tis getting late. I will speak more of these wonders on another morrow. ;-)